So its time to go home for christmas today. I havent finished packing yet but I will get to it eventually. We have had lunch with the staff today and it was really nice, now I just hope that I will get some more sleep seeing I will be on the bus all night.
I hate the fact that I am not able to lie. I saw Thomas and the first thing I say is that I have not been taking my meds like I am supposed to. Its just so incredibly stupid of me. So now I have to take them and the 2nd of January I have to take my blood levels to see that I have been taking them the way I am supposed to.
Asbjørn thinks that I need him and Thomas to be parents for me, maybe he is right. I want them to worry about me and tell me what to do. I want them to care about me.
Eating is much better now, and I think that I will manage to be home with the food.
I really home that being home will be okey.

I am really excited about Berlin and Birmingham at the moment. I really need something to look forward to and to remember that I need to eat in order to get there. I dont want to be a wreck slowing everyone down, or trigger anyone.

Asbjørn had to cancel on me yesterday and it made me really sad. But at least he called me so I know that he will be okey and I got a new session on Thursday. That is only tomorrow and I know that I can hold on untill then.

I also managed to eat something yesterday which is good because I was really dizzy a couple of times.
I am going to a Christmas party at the group home today so I will eat today as well. There are so many parties coming up now and I know that I will have to eat, I hope that I will be able to handle it. But its easier to deal with eating when I am around people. I am a little anxious about going today, I am not sure if I can handle going back there. I am not sure if I should be all positive or tell them that I am struggling. I have a problem telling people that things are going well because deep down I know that things are not that good afterall. Its just on the surface.

Elin Julie moves into her appartment today. I am really excited about that. Now I will get to see her every day. Its going to be good to have a best friend so close. I am worried about her moving from the place she is right now though, she looses control so easily. I dont want her to end up in the hospital again.

I havent been here for a while now... But now I found out that its time to start again... I have so many thoughts in my head and I need to get them out or I will drive myself crazy...
But I dont know where to start...
Maybe I should take therapy... I dont know what happens to me but I get so emotional when something unusual happens there... On tuesday my therapist was sick, and I crashed bigf time... He had called me but it took a long time and persuation from Lars to call him back... Then when I talked to him I was angry and told him I wanted to end therapy... I calmed down and felt rather embarrased after a while, still am... I am so angry that I cant think rational when things happen, I just react...
I had a session with him on thursday instead, and I had to talk about what happened... He wanted to talk about trust and how difficult that is for me... It really is... I feel there is noone I can really trust, only him sometimes, and my doctor... Its kind of sad acctually... I am starting to trust Tåsen and the people that work there a little bit also, well Lars at least, and Una, but she isnt there right now...
Then when I asked him when he was having vacation this year, he said he was going to have two extra week since he is having a baby... That was a little much for me to handle so I started crying... I have never seen him as a private person before, just what he do at work... I cant even look at him during sessions, I feel so ashamed... I just pretend he is not there...
And now I know he has a family... I am glad that he does have a normal life though... But it just reminded me that I have none of those things...
And I would not want a baby right now either... I could never take care of anyone, I have enough to take care of myself... And with all the meds I am on, I would have a defect baby I am sure... And that would make things even more difficult... I would still love him, her but I couldnt take properly care of a baby... So I figured out I would have an abortion... I am kind of against it under certain circumstances, but in my case and with whom I would have this baby with, I have no doubt...

Its been a long time since I last wrote here... I have been in the hospital the whole time, working my ass of... Have almost amnaged to stop cutting.. Mostly because my therapist threathened to stop therapy if I needed stiches or tried to committ suicide... I slipped up yesterday after going for a month and a half... I have to hide it this time because otherwise I will get kicked out of the group home... And I am not planning on loosing control this time...
I was doing okey with my eating for a while as well, but now i am back to scratch... Have lost almost all that I gained... I just can get outof it, i freaked out yesterday because I went to a cafe and ordered diet pepsi... I suddenly felt convinced that they had given me regular pepsi...
Its my bithday on saturday, I turn 25... It is really strange because I really dont feel like that... I feel like I am 20 or something...

It has been a long time since my last update, I am still at the hospital but at a different ward and as an inpatient, staying there all the time.. I probably have to stay there for a while while they try to help me.. I feel so out of myself, I have put on quite a few pounds now and I hate myself for it, but they keep an eye on me around mealtime making sure I dont trough up. I dont cut as much as I used to either but I feel it coming soon.. i can get so dramatic sometimes, I just need to get my emotions out, I am so tired of being in this state, being numb. I dissociate a lot running away from everthing into my own mind. It doesnt even scare me anymore. I just need to get away. Everyone try so hard to help me, I have so many therapists and nurses that wants to listen to me and doctor trying to find the right meds for me, but I dont know. I jsut feel awful..

I didnt get to finish what i wrote earlier so this will not look good, all messed up. I am trying some new meds now that is supposed to make my mood a little more stable. I have these terrible mood swings that i cant handle very well, i start to behave like i am a little child or a teenager. the doctors call it dissociation. but it is really scary to experience because it sometimes happens when i am out walking or taking the bus. i all of a sudden dont know where i am and what has happened. time passes by and i blank out. i sometimes wake up burning myself.

I am still a day patient at the hospital, but I have the weekend off.. I am really stressed out right now, I dont know what is going to happen to me, everyone says I need to get admitted to a long term stay at some hospital, but they dont know which one yet. I have been to an interview at one hospital that I stayed at six months before. But they are not sure if they can offer me a place since I have been so sick lately. I ahve been feeling really terrible these last couple of weeks, wanting to kill myself all the time, so I have had to sleep at the hospital some nights. Since they changed my meds I have been having a lot of obsessive thoughts.

Its been a long time since last time I wrote.. I have been at the hospital the last couple of weeks.. Right now I am a day patient. I am feeling terrible. The doctors admitted me against my will because I was a danger to myself. It was awful, they took all my stuff away, my cell phone and everything I could hurt myself with and let me stay in a room where I couldn`t do anything to myself. I really freaked out.. Didn`t want to eat or sleep. But they put me on so much meds that I fell asleep after a couple of nights. Then when I got out as a day patient I went into a hypomania state not sleeping and walking like crazy.. I am also bingimg like crazy, have put on a couple of pounds and I am abusing laxatives. I so hate feeling like this. My emotions are so out of control, I go from crying one minute to laughing the next, and I feel like I am floating above the ground. The dr is changeing my meds tomorrow to make me calm down a bit and stabilize my mood. I just hope it wont send me into a suicidal state like I am so close to right now.. I havent been cutting as much these last couple of days, feel like I have been coming of an addiction or something. But I really want to cut again. But they will put me back in the hospital again if I do. And everytime I have cut these last couple of days I have gotten an infection in the wound. It seem like my body cant take it anymore.
I went to my therapist again today, I was crying the whole time. And I felt so terrible when I had to leave. I dont know how I will survive the next week. I am so afaraid he is getting sick of me being so suicidal and sick. and that he will abandoned me. And I am afraid he is going to die or dissapear. I kind of know that he would never do that to me, but I get so insecure.
My doctor is really fed up with me now, he says I have to put on some weight and get my grip together.. Its not going to be easy, but I have to try. I dont want to loose the people that mean so much to me.
I am getting admitted to a different hospital in a couple of weeks. I hope to be a little better by then, I really need to. I am staying there for at least three months trying to get well. And hopefully I will be able to move back into the group home afterwards, but then I need to stay on my contract.. I cant fail this time.

Didn`t get any sleep last night so I ended up cutting this morning.. I was going to the ER anyways to get some stiches removed so I thought why not get some new ones when I am on my way.. I just cant seem to think straight when I haven`t slept..
But that is not the worst part, when I had been to the ER I had another appointment, and on my way there I went to the store and bought bread.. I haven`t eaten bread in weeks and I just couldn`t stop eating.. I don`t even want to think about all the calories I have absorbed today.. Did go for my excersice later and had to go to the pharmacy and buy laxatives.. I haven`t used those in months but I really needed some way to get rid of it, I tried purgeing but I don`t have gag-reflexes.. I just hate that..
So right now I am feeling very suicidal, wanting to take an overdose.. Unfortunatly I have given away most of my saved up drugs, so I know it won`t kill me.. I get so mad at myself, I thought I had gotten past feeling suicidal, my meds are working somewhat.. My therapist is coming back in a week, my doctor on monday and then everything will be back to normal again.. I don`t know why I keep screwing things up..
I might get myself admitted to the hospital tomorrow again.. maybe it will work out better this time, and i get to loose some weight.. I need to be safe untill monday..

Lost two pounds.. I am back to where I started before I binged and had some ice cream. I can`t believe that I put on 4 pounds because of a little bit of ice cream. I am never going to eat it again, ever. But it is really difficult to live right now, I try to eat the same every day, not starve myself, but like yesterday I was convinced that I would put on weight if I ate some broccoli.
Been to the store today to do my grocery shopping and made a salad, so I think today will be a good day and I get to eat what I have planned. Only problem is that I am meeting my sister, she came home from a trip to Italy yesterday, and she always try to make me eat. So I have to eat beforehand, so that I can tell her I have already eaten. She is also nagging me about weighing too little, so I am kind of anxious about seeing her.
I had bad urges to cut really deep last night, sometimes I just feel like I need to get stiches, to destroy myself. But I managed to keep the cutting shallow enough. I am not allowed to cut that deep, then they will put me in the hospital, and I feel like I am not thin enough yet..
My mood was really strange yesterday, first I felt really manic, had all these plans on what to do with my future and my day. I cleaned my room, went for a long walk, baked cookies for my friends. And all of a sudden everything went wrong, I just couldn`t decide on anything just wanted to sit in my room and cut. I get so confused when that happens, I just wanted to sleep but I don`t sleep very well these days.
And now it is only one week till my doctor comes back from vacation, 9 days untill my therapist is back and one week untill my psychiatric nurse is back. I have to count because I have this attachment problem and I think they have left me for good. I sometimes feel that they are never coming back and I have to manage my life on my own, which I could never do. But I am trying..

Well I am not feeling very well today, didn`t loose weight. I just don`t understand it, I eat just about nothing, only salad and a few crackers. So my menu contains about 500kchal. I just hate my metabolism, its so fucked up..
And the weather is really terrible as well, raining.. I want to go for a walk but I don`t want to get wet. Its fucking July and the summer is not here yet. I hate this.

Yeah I lost one pound.. I am so sick of this going so slowly, I just want to be thin and I am not that right now. I know that I am underweight and fit the criteria for anorexia but its not enough, I need to loose more.
I try really hard not to give up eating my regualar diet since I know I will loose faster then. It would just lower my metabolism even more. I binged the other day and I put on a pound, I am never going to do that again. No more ice cream for me..
But my SI is a little better, I don`t have the urges to cut so that I will need stiches like I did a couple of days ago. I can`t get more stiches now, I have to remove the ones I already have. The group home where I live will just put me in the hospital again. However I still cut every day, I just need to, can`t sleep without it..
I am going to the movies tonight, seeing Gothica. I love psychlogical movies. I think that will keep my mind of everything for a while. And my goal is not to get tempted to buy candy or popcorn. I will just have my diet pepsi, which I am addicted to by the way..

Well this is the first time I have ever done anything like this before, so please bear with me..
I thought I just wanted a place to write down my thoughts on my fucked up life. More specific about my mental state, self-injury and eating disorder. Sometimes it gets to be too much for me, I just can`t handle it anymore.
I have been hospitalized for it many times, last on Tuesday.. Got out again the next day because I freaked out when I couldn`t get hold of any cigarettes. Noone could follow me to the store. Pissed me off to put it like that.
This last week I have gotten stiches from my cutting twice and I am trying hard to not do it again, so this is not a good state to be in.
My therapist is on vacation and has been for two weeks. I always mess up when he is away. He will be back in 12 days.
I live in a group home where there is staff all day and night because right now I am not able to live on my own. Basically I have spent the last year and a half in the hospital. I don`t know how long I can live here because I keep braking my contract on not cutting to the point where I need stiches and going under a certain weight limit, which I have also done.. But so far they haven`t kicked me out..
Well I gotta go, will update more later..

Well I don`t even know where to start, its the first time I am doing anything like this. But I want to let people know about my life, all the fucked up things going on.
Most likely I will write most about my feelings around self-injury and eating disorder. I really need to put it somewhere, I have so much going on in my mind that I really can`t handle it anymore.
I have been in the hospital for it so many times but so far it hasn`t helped. My last stay was on Tuesday and I left because I couldn`t get out to buy cigarettes. Kind of upset over the whole situation to put it like that...
My therapist is on vacation and has been for two weeks now and I always mess up when he leaves.. He comes back in 12 days, counting the days..
Other than that I live in a group home, where there is staff working all day and night because I am unable to live alone, I get so much anxiety and I need to cut and starve to handle it. Well I do it anyways but then it gets too much to handle. But I don`t know how much longer I get to stay here because they think I belong in the hospital, I keep braking the contract on not going under a certain weight limit and not cutting so that I need stiches. But right now I don`t think they will do anything, everyone is on vacation and they know its a difficult time for me.
Okey I will update more info on me later, there is so much to tell I don`t know where to start..